Today at uni during my BCM311 class we had a special guest come in that Kate interviewed right in front of us. Now normally I’m the guy that sits there and doesn’t really pay attention to the stuff that goes on around me in class however, generally Kate seems to know how to get me to pay attention, even if it is only for a few minutes at a time. Anyway that’s not what I wanted to write about here, generally this blog has been an academic blog with a lot of posts that bore the shit out of me. This is the first post I am making that really doesn’t follow the guidelines of “This is for an assignment.’
Anyway, during said interview with the head of students of my university, he said something so casually in the conversation and it has been on my mind all day. He said he suffers from depression. For those who know me personally they would know this is a topic that I am highly attached too, its something that really hits close to home because I too suffer from it. What struck out at me is how casually he dropped it in the conversation. For me I consider my depression to be one of my 2 biggest flaws in my character yet he didn’t seemed phased by the idea of it, and to top it off it wasn’t until the end when he mentioned how he noticed he was acting at the beginning of the interview that things started to click to me. I have similar tells to what he was doing at the beginning of the interview when I am in situations that I feel uncomfortable in. I tap my feet under the desk, I try to keep formal and I watch the way I talk to people. I basically go into what I used to call ‘parent mode’ essentially. In fact the me I thought I was basically changes and I become this other me, a me that is more polite and more respectful of those around him, compared to the normal me that really couldn’t give 2 shits about anything anymore. It just interested me that the idea of me being in parent mode is really me being so nervous and anxious about the situation that I don’t feel comfortable being myself. People always ask what is wrong with me when I am like this, and I sorta seem to understand it more now.
Another thing that has perplexed me is how open he was about the situation. I tend to keep my feelings about how I am with it to a close circle of about 2-3 people. It used to be 1 person, but lets say that person is the reason I am like I am now. I’ve never really gone out there and claimed all the fucked up things that have happened to me, even though these experiences no matter how fucked up they are have truly shaped me as an individual. I feel the interviewee in the class has something I tend to hide from. That’s courage to own up to the struggles depression can lead someone down. I am able to admit I really admire people who can do that because for me I feel it is the hardest thing to do. Now while he didn’t go into detail about what he went through, just the fact he dropped he had depression in conversation is something I find hard to say unless it is around my close friends who know of my problems of the past.
So that’s something that happened to me today and has really stuck with me basically all day. Its not often shit like this happens, but I felt this was important for me to write, even if it just helps me gain a little bit of courage to be able to own up to my faults of the past. I guess I’ll end it with this, My name is Andrew Clarke and I have suffered from depression since I was 13 and I hope one day I can say I no longer suffer from it.